We went in for our first appointment. Showed up early enough to fill out all the paperwork. Met with the midwife, answered all the requisite questions. Then it came time to see our little bean. Three times they tried with different ultrasound machines, different people at the screen. No heartbeat, nothing to indicate I was even pregnant.
This began a whirlwind of blood work followed by ultrasounds in radiology, never getting conclusive results. Hcg levels indicated that yes, I was pregnant. The next ultrasound ruled out an ectopic pregnancy and showed a gestational sac measuring 3 weeks behind, but nothing more. Hcg levels rose, but very little – nowhere near the doubling we were looking for. Each time we met with a doctor or tech, the answers were never great, but still we had hope. Finally, 10 days after our first appointment, we got the call back from our midwife. My hcg levels were dropping – I was miscarrying.
God’s ways are a mystery to us. I know deep inside that He is good, all the time. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’ll never hold this baby this side of heaven. That she’ll never get to meet her big brother in this life. But what I do know is that God wanted her up with Him more than we needed her here. This is so humbling – this reminder that our children are not our own, not truly. They all belong to God, we are just the blessed who are given a certain number of days with them here on Earth. We’re not promised tomorrow, no matter how much our hearts ache for it.
It was too early on to determine our baby’s gender – but my husband and I know in our hearts that our little baby was a girl. We named her Isabelle Marie – “God’s promise” and “Wished-for child.” Yesterday, in a small private service about an hour from our home, we buried our little Izzy Girl. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, but my husband was, as always, my rock. We survived, and we are assured of her place in heaven with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Getting to heaven one day just got a whole lot sweeter. We can’t wait to meet you there, little one.